Bobby’s Burger Palace

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We were tooling through DC recently, when we stumbled upon this little gem.

Now I will readily admit that I am a Food Network fan. I don’t know what it is about the cheesy jargon, the grotesquely over-complicated recipes, and the absolute snobbery that says you should never-ever, under any circumstances used jarred garlic, that gets my pulse racing, my mind all twitterpated, and my salivary glands into hyper-overdrive. There is just something so compelling about telling my relatives that yes, I freakin’ made that Godiva chocolate Crème brûlée from scratch, yo.

The first question I always get asked when I express my love for all things Food Network is: “Have you ever eaten at one of the celebrity restaurants?”

Actually, that is the second question.

The first question is usually more along the lines of, “Are you sure you are not gay?”

Usually I can assure them after about fifteen to twenty minutes of logical argumentation and much muscle flexing, that I am indeed, not gay. Then they move onto the second question, the one about the restaurants.

This brings us to Bobby’s Burger Palace, or BBP for those of us in the know.

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For those of you who are uninitiated in the finer world of Food Network Culinary Magic, Bobby Flay is a celebrity chef who has his own show(s), cookbooks, and restaurant. He has been called a “master of the grill”, and is one of the hosts for “Worst Chef In America”. He has been on Iron Chef America and many other Food Network staples. You can tell how prolific and important he is because of this neat merchandise rack at the front of his burger joint:

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And make no mistake . . . this is not some fancy, schmancy four star designer restaurant. This . . . ? Well, this is a highly overpriced semi-fast food burger joint that serves surprisingly good greasy-joint hamburgers at Red Lobster prices. Nevertheless, there are gems to be found here, if you have the greenbacks.

One of the first things that you’ll notice is the BBP 1-2-3, which has to be one of the most annoying set of instructions I have ever seen in a restaurant. This sign, which adorns the window of every BBP, is the culinary equivalent of the lyrics to the song Boom Boom Pow, which are as follows:

Gotta get-get, gotta get-get Gotta get-get, gotta g-g-g-get-get-get, get-get
Boom boom boom, gotta get-get Boom boom boom, gotta get-get Boom boom boom, gotta get-get Boom boom boom, gotta get-get
Boom boom boom, now Boom boom boom, now Boom boom pow Boom boom

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Upon entering “The Palace”, you’ll notice the modern “foody” trendy decor. Sure to delight hipsters and culinary snobs from around this big blue globe, There is a comfortable, atmosphere, with an easy-to-read menu, which explains just how much a burger and fries are gonna cost you. Five bucks for a milkshake?!? Really? I mean your burgers are only eight to ten bucks, tops. That must be one freakin’ good milkshake, made out of sacred cows from India or something.

The burgers are 8 – 10 bucks and the sides are all 5 bucks. $7.95 doesn’t sound like much for a good burger until you add $5 for onion rings and then $5 for a shake. Ouch.

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The decor is all curvy lines and orange and lime. Yes, I used the word lime as a color.

Yes, I am straight.

Didn’t we cover that in like, paragraph 6, or something?

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Anyhow, it actually is an aesthetically pleasing place to sit and eat a burger.

You go up to the front counter, which for some reason I did not snap a picture of. There, the friendly cashier takes your order. Then you get a number and go and sit at your seat.

As you can see, most of the seating is communal. There are long bar-like tables, where you (and a perfect stranger) can sit and eat dinner together. Every Thursday night, they have the Bobby-Flay-Speed-Dating-and-a-Burger-athon, where you move down the chairs, boys on one side and girls on the other. OK, I made that last part up, but they really should have this. It would be like a mixture of Food Network and MTV. (Bobby, if you use this, I demand credit for the idea).

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Notice the Lime walls and chairs.

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While you are waiting, feel free to explore Bobby’s signature collection of sauces. They come presented in a metal centerpiece of saucy deliciousness.

The burger sauce tasted like a mixture of A-1 and Worcestershire sauce. It was really good and a bit zippy. My suggestion is that if you want a close equivalent, mix some A-1 and Worcestershire and go to town (maybe a smidge of ketchup, just to add a tomato-vinegar tang).

The Chipotle Ketchup tasted smoky and had a nice little zing to it that you could feel even after a pull or two on your $5 milkshake. Quite tasty if you are in to that sort of thing.

The ketchup tasted like mustard.

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The sauce centerpiece keeps giving, though, because when you turn it around, you find two more signature sauces, one of which I am quite convinced is really French’s Mustard cleverly transplanted into a bottle which reads: Yellow Mustard.

The other sauce is the pickley goodness of stadium jarred Jalapeños, only instead of adorning stale yellow tortilla chips, someone had the bright idea of pureeing the stuff and turning it into a sauce. I’m not kidding, it looks and tastes exactly like someone did just that, so if that’s your thing, you’re gonna love this sauce. If you would like to try it and you have no BBP nearby, might I recommend a jar of pickled Jalapeños and a blender.

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While we were investigating the miraculous tempting tastes of Bobby’s signature sauce (all of which I firmly believe I could recreate in my own home), our $5 milkshakes arrived. I ordered Pistachio. My wife ordered Blueberry Pomegranate.

These shakes were awesome, and to be honest, I probably would pay $5 for another of the pistachio. This isn’t the cheap Jello Pudding pistachio flavor we got going on here, folks, this is the real deal. We’re talking real pistachios mixed with a sugary creamy milky beverage into a real drop of nectar from the navel of Venus. That’s how good this was. I imagine that this is what that shining green beverage that Dale Arden drank in Flash Gordon tastes like.

The blueberry pomegranate was good, too. It had just the right sour tang of the pomegranate, but enough of the blueberry to keep it sweet and delicious.

Oh, and did I mention that they came with really big straws?

I hate it when you get a huge shake and a tiny straw and then you suck and suck until your brain starts to feel like it will embolize  and your eyes pop out of your head and you wanna scream and throw the shake across the room. I don’t want to have to wait for my drink to melt into pistachio soup in order to drink it.

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After the shake, our burgers arrived. My wife got the Dallas burger which was spice-crusted, with coleslaw, Monterey Jack cheese, barbecue sauce, and pickles – and more power to her. That sounded gross to me. I think coleslaw should only be eaten on never.

I got Bobby’s Blu Bacon Burger, which freakin’ rocked! It was a quarter pound of amazingly seasoned beef, topped with crisp bacon and blu cheese crumbles, and it was absolutely delectable, and I mean, come on, how often do you get to use the word delectable?  But Bobby is not satisfied with just a tasty burger. No, no, no, he has to plus it by allowing you to have it CRUNCH STYLE. CRUNCH STYLE is the amazingly simple, wonderfully brilliant idea of putting plain Lay’s potato chips ON THE FREAKIN’ BURGER!!! Can you believe it? I thought that sounded horrible, but hey, free chips. I was SOOOOO wrong. CRUNCH STYLE is how I am having all my burgers from now on, because it really rocked.

I am usually kind of a purist. Chips and burgers go on the same plate, but you don’t mix them, silly human. How wrong I was! They demand to be mixed, and devoured. For the first time in my life, I understood what my dad meant when he told me not to worry if my peas and mashed potatoes touched, they were all going to the same place. I should have mixed those buggers and shoveled ’em down!

Really, this is an amazing new concept of culinary perfection. I dug it so much, you may find me mixing all sorts of other foods. What about Captain Crunch on Ebi sushi or Pickled Okra on Captain Crunch? The possibilities are endless!

I scarfed this thing in about a minute and a half, and still wanted more, and the best thing was that the burger only cost $7.95 and the CRUNCH STYLE was absolutely FREE!

It didn’t come with any traditional sides (unless you order it CRUNCH STYLE), but it did come with the biggest frickin’ pickle I’ve ever laid eyes on. Look at this thing:

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Now tell me that’s not a pickle!

We did order fries and onion rings as $5 sides.

The fries were crispy, well-seasoned, and came with the one sauce that I can not reproduce at home, creatively named: Bobby’s Fry Sauce. Bobby’s Fry Sauce may look like Red Robin’s Campfire sauce, which in and of itself is a delicious concoction made entirely of the scrapings of old campfires, but it is a far different animal.

I am still not sure what was in that sauce, but it seemed to be a mixture of mayonnaise, ketchup, peppers, garlic, and pureed manna. It was really tasty, and complimented the fries perfectly.

The one major disappointment of the night were the onion rings. Bobby may be able to make one heck of a crunch burger, but his onion rings are big, tasteless globs of grease.  They had no seasoning, no flavor, and left your mouth feeling coated and slippery and your stomach feeling bloated and icky.

Below is a picture that shows my wife’s burger – if you care, but I know you don’t because I have already told you how awesome my burger was.

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Anyhow, I ate the whole thing, including all of my pickle, and most of my wife’s. For the same price as a trip to Olive Garden, we got to eat at the restaurant of a grilling legend.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I am hungry. I think I’ll go mix up some Jalapeño and burger sauce, then heat up the grill.

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