Did You Know That This Exists?

Visiting your local Cracker Barrel is always a treat. If you do not know what a Cracker Barrel is, or you do not have one near you, then I feel really badly for you. A Cracker Barrel is a treasure trove of kitsch and kitch. It is billed as an “Olde Country Store”. You can tell it is cool because of the extra “e” in Olde. You can usually find everything there from Blackjack chewing gum, to old time, hand carved (or mass produced in Nashville, Tennessee) front porch rocking chairs.

Yesterday, I went to our local Cracker Barrel for some country ham and fried okra, and low and behold, I found this:

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Your eyes are not deceiving you. That is, in fact, an edible UNO game made from Jelly Bellys. How freakin’ cool is that? I love UNO, and I love Jelly Belly. This is like a match made in heaven.

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It had full instructions on the back, but who needs them. We make up our own version of UNO entitled SPEEDUNO. It is pronounced: speeduno, with no break. The faster you say it, the cooler you sound. SpeedUno basically is a game that goes really fast. You start off like normal UNO, but if someone lays a green three, and you have a green three, you can play it, even if it’s not your freakin’ turn! That’s right, if you have the exact same card (both color and number) then you get to play OUT OF TURN – thus the speed aspect of the game. We have a few other rules, such as being able to build upon Draw 2’s and Draw 4’s, which are pretty standard in the world of UNO.

Then we have crazy rules, which sits the game of UNO on its hindquarters and has it lifting a leg in submission. Get this, whenever you play a “7” of any color . . . you can switch hands with whomever you want! You don’t have to switch hands, but you can. That makes the game very interesting. What’s more, any time that anyone lays down a “0”, you have to pass your entire freakin’ hand to the left! Can you imagine the insanity?!? There you are, organizing your hand, strategizing, ready to holler out, “Uno!” and the moment you do, that butthole next to you plays his blue “0” that he’s been holding for just this very occasion.  Suddenly, you are screwed.

This is a very fun game. If you get called not saying, “Uno,” then you have to take a card from all the other players, none of this sissy draw two nonsense. At the end, when someone goes out, you have to tally your points. The numbers go for face value. The Draw 2’s, Skips, and Reverses go for 20 points, and any Wild goes for 50. At the end of the game – which is whenever you darn well decide it to be – the person with the lowest score wins!

Anyhow, I was going to buy this Jelly Belly Uno, but then I realized that: A.) It cost the same as a regular deck of UNO, and B.) I would probably just eat them all as I played, which would make calling out, “Uno!” a very bittersweet proposition, indeed.

Maybe I will go back to Cracker Barrel later and pick it up. It certainly is calling to me . . .

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