My favorite all time holiday is Halloween, and I have always wanted a Michael Myers mask. Unfortunately, most of the commercial masks look something like this:
And while scary, none of these are really screen accurate for Michael Myers.
Recently I was playing around on Ebay, and I thought, “What the heck? I’ll just do a search for a Don Post Captain Kirk mask.” You see, I know that the original Michael Myers mask was just a modified Trek Kirk mask made by Don Post in 1977. They painted it white, cut the eyes out a bit more, jacked with the hair.
The producers of Halloween tried many different mask, including a Clown mask and one of R. Kelly – it might have been Emmett Kelly, but I think we can all agree here that R. Kelly would have been far more terrifying.
But none of them were as soulless as James T. Kirk.
Imagine my surprise when I found a listing that claimed to be an original pull from the Don Post Kirk mold.
“Nonsense!” I cried aloud, which caused the Preacher to frown at me, and the entire congregation to stare at me. I swallowed hard and pretended to put my cell phone up, but I am tricky, and soon had it carefully hidden in my hymnal. Everyone probably must have thought I was the most worshipful parishioner in the sanctuary because I had my nose in the hymns the entire time the Pastor was speaking.
But I digress . . .
Anyway, converting a Shatner has always been a terrifying daydream for me. On the one hand, it would be incredibly cool to own a mask that is almost exactly like the screen worn version, which looks like this:
But I thought to myself, what’s one tank of gas?
So I bought it . . . for about the same price as two tanks of gas. That would get me to Dallas, so it was quite the investment. But as soon as I hit the “enter” button on Paypal, I knew there was no turning back, now. . .
When it arrived, it looked something like this:
When I first opened the box, a wave of ammonia smacked me in the nostrils and called me Sally.
If you have never smelled the pungent aromatic bouquet of fresh latex then I advise you to go to the nearest supermarket, buy a can of Tuna (or the chicken of the sea, as Charley calls it), open the can, and leave it in the back window of your car for one entire afternoon, in Texas, in early August.
Now, go and get the can and take a big whiff.
Alright, what did you smell?
That’s what I thought you smelled, and that, my friend, is better than the smell of fresh, unadulterated latex.
After I had taken a swig of Amaretto to get the taste of fresh vomit off my tongue, I examined the mask and saw that this was, indeed, a raw pull and it was very, very cool. In spite of the smell, I wanted this thing on my head . . . now.
In order to do that, it needed some eye holes.
Now, my hands are not always what you’d call . . . steady. But that’s OK. I thought to myself, Dude, if you don’t take a chance, you will always wonder, what if?
So I grabbed some scissors and cut out the Shatner’s eye-holes.
The results were thus:
And one more from the side.
Pretty sweet, huh? I mean, this thing looks a lot like Captain Kirk, and I’ll be dipped in blueberries if the thing is not completely soul-less. I was plenty proud of my scissor-cutting skills.
But it still wasn’t enough like Myers. It looked like William Shatner, and although that was enough to give me nightmares for a few nights, it was not the effect I was going for.
I would have to go back to the shears.
Finally it was done. With much scouring of nternet references, and a little help from my friends, I shaped the eye holes to look as close as I could get them to Michael Freakin’ Myers. but had we done the trick?
I needed a reference, something unbiased, on which I could place my new work of art and examine it, glory in it, kneel before Zod!
Then I spotted my daughter’s life-sized Barbie and I knew what I had to do:
Dang if that ain’t creepy. Truth be told, I have always been a bit creeped out by that Barbie. I mean, the thing has a Chucky feel to it already, without the freakin’ mask.
Twice I have gone down into the basement, only to run into Barbie Myers and then have to scramble into the bathroom to check my britches.
Now we had something, something scary, and there was only one thing left to do: human trial.
What?!?! The flippin’ eye-holes are uneven! Dang-dad-dudeit! Now I’m gonna have to fix that, not to mention add hair, paint it, part the lips a bit.
Still, it does look pretty freaky. It certainly freaks the heck out of my wife and kids. But I don’t want to go without using my new toy so I have been experimenting with ideas on how to make me more approachable when I wear it.
This mask is just supposed to look scary, and they’ll just have to deal. Maybe if I stop hanging out in their closets or under their beds, they won’t get so worked up. But they’ve learned how to track me. They know that if they walk into a room that smells of rotten canned tuna, Daddy Myers can not be too far away.
Soon I am going to have to paint this sucker and add the hair, maybe pour some Brut on it, and fix the cock-eyed eyeholes.
I’ll keep you posted.